My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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