my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
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what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
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I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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