does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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