If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
this just has baby written all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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