I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
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Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
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Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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