I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
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I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
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