she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
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I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
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just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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