my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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