so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just high enough for therapy.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
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What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize