the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
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It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize