i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
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I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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