I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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