I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
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i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
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The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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