What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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