I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You pole danced in your parka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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