conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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