If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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