I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
either way he was missing a nipple.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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