We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
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Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
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I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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