Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
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part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
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I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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