you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize