Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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