so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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