Will you blow on my dice?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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