Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
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She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
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The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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