Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
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Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
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for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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