This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
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Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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