That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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