God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize