I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
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You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
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He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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