lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize