Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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