Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
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The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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