i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
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how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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