The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
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You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
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I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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