why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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