My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
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They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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