And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
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He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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