It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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