Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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