They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
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im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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