My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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