I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize