He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize