i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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