Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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