I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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