I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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