I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
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Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
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We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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