My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
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Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
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Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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